Message to Christian Grey: No One Knows How to Win Middle-Aged Women’s Hearts Except Me
By Edward Cullen
Mr. Grey, you have disgraced cold and controlling boyfriend-stalkers everywhere. I’m disgusted with your rookie tactics to woo not only your clueless brunette virgin, but also the millions of other females who made my franchise a success. Your appeal, which I admit has been enough to produce your own feeble franchise, cannot compare to mine.
I might not have built a giant corporation from the ground up, but I know how to properly coerce a woman into loving me despite even greater obstacles than yours. I’m a vampire. I wanted to kill my girlfriend every second, but she latched onto me like I was her prey. How did I reel her in? Aloofness, my friend.
When you first meet your lady friend, you offer her an internship in your company almost immediately. Real subtle. I ran out of the room when I met Bella, and you can bet she felt hella confused and hella interested. Meanwhile, you cancel your meeting so you can continue talking Ana into feeling more and more awkward until she stumbles into believing she’s fallen in love with you. I could do everything you do with a brooding stare. Ana is too easy to embarrass. Let me tell you, no one can trump my significant other’s calm and cool demeanor.
Look at that. I hadn’t even turned her into a vampire yet, and she already had the unperturbed, emotionless face of the undead. You make me proud, sweetie!
Speaking of faces, let’s talk about yours.
Seriously, what kind of face is that? Did you lose your favorite flogging belt? Sorry, Bella wanted to try it out. Our kid’s kinda killed our sex life. I figured you wouldn’t need it anyway since at the end of your most recent film your girlfriend dumps you (for the record, I did all the dumping when I dated my wife).
Now this is a face that sells! Eighty percent constipated, fifteen percent stoned, and five percent sparkly. This is the face that can make pedophilia seem sexy.
Vampires like me have been seducing women since the 1720s, and now you think you know how to do it better with a piece of rope and a mask? Please. You have made the BDSM community ashamed of you, but I have made all vampires fall to their knees with my hot-damn, diamond-encrusted body. When Dracula saw the first Twilight movie, he staked himself in the heart. What hope did he have of winning another maiden, when I started stealing the hearts of not only tweens, but also their mothers and grandmothers?
You know you’re just a rip-off of me, so don’t pretend to be doing anything original besides bringing porn to the big screen. I refused to have sex with Bella until she agreed to marry me, like a true gentleman. You have to tease her until she binds herself to you forever, not give in to your own lust. Honestly, I’m a bloodthirsty vampire and I have more restraint than you. I managed to stay away from Bella for almost a whole movie. You wouldn’t last five minutes before you had to hump one of your fancy footstools. In case you still doubt my expertise, I’ll ask you this: have you ever broken a bed during sex? I didn’t think so. Try to out-kink that.
In this age of feminism, where women have strived to make their own choices, we as men must work hard keep ourselves on top. (I know what you’re thinking, Grey. Well, get your mind out of the gutter.) I give you credit for Ana’s obvious infatuation with you, and I don’t doubt that in the end you’ll have all the power. If you stay true to your roots in me, you’ll probably do just fine – assuming you don’t blow it.