Friday, March 13, 2015

WARNING: This Post is Not Twihard Friendly

Ah, Satire, my good friend.  We hadn't spoken in a while, but I was glad when my public writing course reunited us a few weeks ago.  You returned to my life at an opportune time, because I was in the middle of the hype of Fifty Shades of Grey, an erotic novel/movie based on a Twilight FanFiction.  Such unholy offspring between a terrible writer and an even more terrible writer should never have been birthed, but alas, it was.  I hope that our efforts shall help moviegoers go on the upright path and avoid any showing of Fifty Shades of Grey.  For those who have already fallen, I hope that my satire will offer you at least minor relief from your sufferings.

Message to Christian Grey: No One Knows How to Win Middle-Aged Women’s Hearts Except Me

By Edward Cullen

Mr. Grey, you have disgraced cold and controlling boyfriend-stalkers everywhere.  I’m disgusted with your rookie tactics to woo not only your clueless brunette virgin, but also the millions of other females who made my franchise a success.  Your appeal, which I admit has been enough to produce your own feeble franchise, cannot compare to mine.

I might not have built a giant corporation from the ground up, but I know how to properly coerce a woman into loving me despite even greater obstacles than yours.  I’m a vampire.  I wanted to kill my girlfriend every second, but she latched onto me like I was her prey.  How did I reel her in?  Aloofness, my friend.

When you first meet your lady friend, you offer her an internship in your company almost immediately.  Real subtle.  I ran out of the room when I met Bella, and you can bet she felt hella confused and hella interested.  Meanwhile, you cancel your meeting so you can continue talking Ana into feeling more and more awkward until she stumbles into believing she’s fallen in love with you.  I could do everything you do with a brooding stare.  Ana is too easy to embarrass.  Let me tell you, no one can trump my significant other’s calm and cool demeanor.

Look at that.  I hadn’t even turned her into a vampire yet, and she already had the unperturbed, emotionless face of the undead.  You make me proud, sweetie!

Speaking of faces, let’s talk about yours.

Seriously, what kind of face is that?  Did you lose your favorite flogging belt?  Sorry, Bella wanted to try it out.  Our kid’s kinda killed our sex life.  I figured you wouldn’t need it anyway since at the end of your most recent film your girlfriend dumps you (for the record, I did all the dumping when I dated my wife).

Now this is a face that sells!  Eighty percent constipated, fifteen percent stoned, and five percent sparkly.  This is the face that can make pedophilia seem sexy.

Vampires like me have been seducing women since the 1720s, and now you think you know how to do it better with a piece of rope and a mask?  Please.  You have made the BDSM community ashamed of you, but I have made all vampires fall to their knees with my hot-damn, diamond-encrusted body.  When Dracula saw the first Twilight movie, he staked himself in the heart.  What hope did he have of winning another maiden, when I started stealing the hearts of not only tweens, but also their mothers and grandmothers?

You know you’re just a rip-off of me, so don’t pretend to be doing anything original besides bringing porn to the big screen.  I refused to have sex with Bella until she agreed to marry me, like a true gentleman.  You have to tease her until she binds herself to you forever, not give in to your own lust.  Honestly, I’m a bloodthirsty vampire and I have more restraint than you.  I managed to stay away from Bella for almost a whole movie.  You wouldn’t last five minutes before you had to hump one of your fancy footstools.  In case you still doubt my expertise, I’ll ask you this: have you ever broken a bed during sex?  I didn’t think so.  Try to out-kink that.

In this age of feminism, where women have strived to make their own choices, we as men must work hard keep ourselves on top. (I know what you’re thinking, Grey.  Well, get your mind out of the gutter.)  I give you credit for Ana’s obvious infatuation with you, and I don’t doubt that in the end you’ll have all the power.  If you stay true to your roots in me, you’ll probably do just fine – assuming you don’t blow it.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Marvel's Agent Carter

If you know me, you've probably already heard me gush about Marvel's Agent Carter, a miniseries that recently finished premiering on ABC.  Well, be prepared for me to gush some more.  Given that there are only eight episodes to keep track of, I figured Agent Carter would be the perfect opportunity to segue way into reviewing TV shows on my blog.  Here's a list of reasons I have to demand that ABC give us a second season:

1.  Peggy Carter.  Duh.  If you've seen Captain America: The First Avenger, you've already met her, but even if not you'll find she is a praiseworthy character all on her own.  Not only does she throw a killer punch, she has oodles of sass and class to go with it.  If there is anyone who can crush sexism and get the bad guys with literally just a tube of lipstick, it's this woman.

2.  The banter.  My favorite relationship on the show is easily Peggy's friendship with Edwin Jarvis, who is the butler of Tony Stark's father Howard and the likely inspiration for the AI J.A.R.V.I.S. who assists Iron Man in the future.  I love Peggy and Jarvis' friendship primarily due to their excellent exchange of wit as they team up on missions together - with Peggy, of course, doing most of the butt-kicking.  Peggy can dish out her sass to just about everyone, but she plays off of Jarvis the best.  Underneath all their banter, however, they have genuine respect and care for each other, and that's why they have such an awesome dynamic in my opinion.

3.  The exciting espionage.  The premise of this mini-series is that Peggy, who works at the Scientific Strategic Reserve (SSR), becomes a double agent when Howard Stark is accused of selling his inventions to the bad guys and he secretly comes to Peggy to clear his name.  So while the SSR is trying to nail Stark, Peggy is trying to recover the stolen inventions and help Stark prove his innocence.  She finds success thanks in large part to her partnership with Jarvis, her quick thinking, and the rampant sexism that causes the male SSR agents to overlook her.  Speaking of which…

4.  Those dumb SSR agents!  Okay, that's not strictly accurate considering these guys are great at their job, but I have to express my frustration with their attitude somehow.  In the beginning, these agents (with the possible exception of Daniel Sousa) just seemed like annoying douche-bags who deserved a sucker punch.  What pleasantly surprised me was that halfway through the season I began seeing new aspects of their character that made them much more interesting than one-dimensional antagonists.  I really would like to see agents like Jack Thompson *mild shudder* be fleshed out in future seasons (assuming we get any).  Also, with the disclaimer that I'm no expert on this subject, Daniel Sousa seems to be one of the better representations in media of a person with a disability.  After losing his leg to an injury during WWII (oh, in case you didn't realize, this show takes place in the 1940s), Agent Sousa has used a crutch to help him walk.  But guess what?  HE ALSO USES IT AS A WEAPON DURING FIGHTS, AND IT'S PRETTY SICK!

5. Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) tie-ins.  I'll admit that this is probably only a bonus for Marvel geeks like me, but I love how the writers added so many links to the MCU (besides the obvious connection to Captain America).  There are five Easter eggs in the first episode alone, and a bunch more besides in the rest of the season.

Honestly, I could go on, but I would rather you go check out the show for yourself than continue reading my loving rant for Agent Carter.  Episodes 4-8 are available online for free, and you can find the first three on other sites as well (you'd have to pay money, but believe me it's worth it).  Please, don't let Agent Carter suffer the same tragic fate as Selfie when it was canceled prematurely due to low ratings.  FIGHT FOR STRONG MARVEL WOMEN LIKE PEGGY CARTER!  THEY'RE AMAZING!