Sunday, March 10, 2013

My Satire About Damsels in Distress

So, I had to do a satire for Creative Writing, and I decided to target damsels in distress.  I don't know if you've ever heard of The Onion, so in case you haven't it's a website full of fake news articles that make fun of some part of society.  I modeled my piece after a typical article from The Onion.  It was fun playing up all the stereotypes about men and women, and I hope you enjoy reading this.

Local Damsels Purposely Remain in Distress
From The Bunion
MIAMI, FLORIDA – Just a few days ago, Hurricane David swept over the entire state of Florida in a rush of the devastating fury of nature.  The hurricane hit hardest in Miami, wiping out thousands of homes within the span of mere moments, and leaving catastrophic wreckage in its wake.  To make matters worse, a tsunami caused the Florida coast to be flooded for miles and miles inland.  A wave of U.S. National Guards have extensively explored the aftermath in search of survivors.  Unexpectedly, a group of them recently stumbled upon a gathering of young women, who were huddled together on the roof of one of the remaining houses.
All the women were sitting on the sole island that had emerged from the surface of the flood, and they had not budged from the spot since the natural disaster occurred.  An inflatable boat was lodged in a tree’s branches only a few yards away from them, but the women had wisely chosen not to retrieve it.  Sally Finkle, one of the women who were trapped on the roof, stated that, “We were not going to risk our lives by swimming a few yards in that nasty water!  Men are the only ones suited for that sort of physical work, so we patiently waited for them to come to rescue us, as they always have.”
When questioned, National Guard John Buffman agreed with Finkle, asserting that “Us men are fully capable of doing all the work for women.  My wife knows better than to do any physical labor – unless of course she’s making dinner or cleaning the house.  All I ask of her is that she remains home, sewing quietly until I demand a round of beers for me and my friends.”
If the women had stayed a day longer, the roof would have probably collapsed and they would have drowned.  Upon learning this, the women were of course even more grateful to the men who came just in time to rescue them.  Finkle and the others assured everyone that even if it cost them their lives, they were determined to preserve the name of chivalry, and the coyness that always lures men in – as this event has clearly demonstrated.
“If we had taken the liberty of escaping the danger on our own, what would have happened to all the hard-working men who saved us?” asked Finkle.  “They would have been disheartened and felt so unappreciated that they would have given up opening jars, changing tires, and having belching contests with their friends.”
The families were ecstatic to have their loved ones back safe and sound; Finkle’s parents were extremely proud of their daughter’s bravery in helplessly waiting for her knights in shining armor, rather than cutting to the chase and saving herself.  They advise all women to follow Sally’s example, because listlessly lingering is what those of the female gender have been doing in patriarchal societies for centuries.
“Let men have all the fun,” dismissed Finkle.  “They deserve it after working so tirelessly to protect us and put food on the table.”
Unfortunately, America has lately had the trend of women stepping out more and more into the limelight – whether by building their own careers, obtaining higher education, or occasionally leaving the husband behind to watch the kids.  Hopefully the recent events at Miami will inspire women to take a stand, and slink back into their houses where no one will ever see them again… as it should be.  

Friday, March 1, 2013

Reading My Children's Book

Hey guys, I have AWESOME news.  My Creative Writing class took a field trip last week to read our children's books to the kids at my old elementary school.  My teacher asked me to write an article about the experience for the school newspaper, since no one in Creative Writing this year was taking Journalism.  So, I whipped up my article and saw it in print TODAY in fifth period.  I am super proud and thank God for this opportunity to see my name in Newsbytes.  If you can't read the article from the pic, I cut and pasted the typed version below.

"I think Mr. Pirraglia nailed the purpose of my Creative Writing class visiting Cameron Elementary when he said, “They’re not reading today, they’re connecting today.”  My fourth period class did not spend a month churning out ideas, refining them, and illustrating them for our children’s books to be merely graded.  Reading to the kids at Cameron – my old school – was our way to give back to our community, while also identifying with the children in an experience that we will never forget.

Curious eyes as wide as saucers greeted my three classmates and me as we entered Room 16.  My fourth of the class huddled around me like bees hover around their hive, and gazed at me shyly.  After gulping a few breaths of air, I began my story, titled “Jenna B. Gumbo,” which is about a girl with bubble gum for hair.  My intent was to teach kids about the hurtfulness of bullying and the necessity for kindness.  As the groups rotated, I saw more and more enthusiasm among my listeners and gained momentum in my confidence.
Earlier I said our purpose was to give back to our community.  Well, in the end it turned out to be a way for our community to give even more to us.  Receiving the smiles and hugs from the appreciative children made my heart swell with joy.  Honestly, I describe our field trip to Cameron as a mutual exchange of fun, excitement, and blessing."