My Satire About Damsels in Distress

So, I had to do a satire for Creative Writing, and I decided to target damsels in distress.  I don't know if you've ever heard of The Onion, so in case you haven't it's a website full of fake news articles that make fun of some part of society.  I modeled my piece after a typical article from The Onion.  It was fun playing up all the stereotypes about men and women, and I hope you enjoy reading this.

Local Damsels Purposely Remain in Distress

From The Bunion

MIAMI, FLORIDA – Just a few days ago, Hurricane David swept over the entire state of Florida in a rush of the devastating fury of nature.  The hurricane hit hardest in Miami, wiping out thousands of homes within the span of mere moments, and leaving catastrophic wreckage in its wake.  To make matters worse, a tsunami caused the Florida coast to be flooded for miles and miles inland.  A wave of U.S. National Guards have extensively explored the aftermath in search of survivors.  Unexpectedly, a group of them recently stumbled upon a gathering of young women, who were huddled together on the roof of one of the remaining houses.

All the women were sitting on the sole island that had emerged from the surface of the flood, and they had not budged from the spot since the natural disaster occurred.  An inflatable boat was lodged in a tree’s branches only a few yards away from them, but the women had wisely chosen not to retrieve it.  Sally Finkle, one of the women who were trapped on the roof, stated that, “We were not going to risk our lives by swimming a few yards in that nasty water!  Men are the only ones suited for that sort of physical work, so we patiently waited for them to come to rescue us, as they always have.”

When questioned, National Guard John Buffman agreed with Finkle, asserting that “Us men are fully capable of doing all the work for women.  My wife knows better than to do any physical labor – unless of course she’s making dinner or cleaning the house.  All I ask of her is that she remains home, sewing quietly until I demand a round of beers for me and my friends.”

If the women had stayed a day longer, the roof would have probably collapsed and they would have drowned.  Upon learning this, the women were of course even more grateful to the men who came just in time to rescue them.  Finkle and the others assured everyone that even if it cost them their lives, they were determined to preserve the name of chivalry, and the coyness that always lures men in – as this event has clearly demonstrated.

“If we had taken the liberty of escaping the danger on our own, what would have happened to all the hard-working men who saved us?” asked Finkle.  “They would have been disheartened and felt so unappreciated that they would have given up opening jars, changing tires, and having belching contests with their friends.”

The families were ecstatic to have their loved ones back safe and sound; Finkle’s parents were extremely proud of their daughter’s bravery in helplessly waiting for her knights in shining armor, rather than cutting to the chase and saving herself.  They advise all women to follow Sally’s example, because listlessly lingering is what those of the female gender have been doing in patriarchal societies for centuries.

“Let men have all the fun,” dismissed Finkle.  “They deserve it after working so tirelessly to protect us and put food on the table.”

Unfortunately, America has lately had the trend of women stepping out more and more into the limelight – whether by building their own careers, obtaining higher education, or occasionally leaving the husband behind to watch the kids.  Hopefully the recent events at Miami will inspire women to take a stand, and slink back into their houses where no one will ever see them again… as it should be.