So, I had to do a satire for Creative Writing, and I decided to target damsels in distress. I don't know if you've ever heard of The Onion, so in case you haven't it's a website full of fake news articles that make fun of some part of society. I modeled my piece after a typical article from The Onion. It was fun playing up all the stereotypes about men and women, and I hope you enjoy reading this.
Local
Damsels Purposely Remain in Distress
From The Bunion
MIAMI, FLORIDA – Just a few days ago, Hurricane
David swept over the entire state of Florida in a rush of the devastating fury
of nature. The hurricane hit
hardest in Miami, wiping out thousands of homes within the span of mere moments,
and leaving catastrophic wreckage in its wake. To make matters worse, a tsunami caused the Florida coast to
be flooded for miles and miles inland.
A wave of U.S. National Guards have extensively
explored the aftermath in search of survivors. Unexpectedly, a group of them recently stumbled upon a
gathering of young women, who were huddled together on the roof of one of the
remaining houses.
All the women were sitting on the sole
island that had emerged from the surface of the flood, and they had not budged
from the spot since the natural disaster occurred. An inflatable boat was lodged in a tree’s branches only a
few yards away from them, but the women had wisely chosen not to retrieve
it. Sally Finkle, one of the women
who were trapped on the roof, stated that, “We were not going to risk our lives
by swimming a few yards in that nasty water! Men are the only ones suited for that sort of physical work,
so we patiently waited for them to come to rescue us, as they always have.”
When questioned, National Guard John
Buffman agreed with Finkle, asserting that “Us men are fully capable of doing
all the work for women. My wife
knows better than to do any physical labor – unless of course she’s making
dinner or cleaning the house. All
I ask of her is that she remains home, sewing quietly until I demand a round of
beers for me and my friends.”
If the women had stayed a day longer,
the roof would have probably collapsed and they would have drowned. Upon learning this, the women were of
course even more grateful to the men who came just in time to rescue them. Finkle and the others assured everyone
that even if it cost them their lives, they were determined to preserve the
name of chivalry, and the coyness that always lures men in – as this event has
clearly demonstrated.
“If we had taken the liberty of
escaping the danger on our own, what would have happened to all the
hard-working men who saved us?” asked Finkle. “They would have been disheartened and felt so unappreciated
that they would have given up opening jars, changing tires, and having belching
contests with their friends.”
The families were ecstatic to have
their loved ones back safe and sound; Finkle’s parents were extremely proud of
their daughter’s bravery in helplessly waiting for her knights in shining
armor, rather than cutting to the chase and saving herself. They advise all women to follow Sally’s
example, because listlessly lingering is what those of the female gender have
been doing in patriarchal societies for centuries.
“Let men have all the fun,” dismissed
Finkle. “They deserve it after
working so tirelessly to protect us and put food on the table.”
Unfortunately, America has lately had
the trend of women stepping out more and more into the limelight – whether by
building their own careers, obtaining higher education, or occasionally leaving
the husband behind to watch the kids.
Hopefully the recent events at Miami will inspire women to take a stand,
and slink back into their houses where no one will ever see them again… as it
should be.
My mother asked me what I would have said if I was the one making a speech for graduation instead of the valedictorian. At the time I told her that I didn't know, but now I realize what I would have said. Pulsations of thrill spread throughout my body as I made that final walk with my classmates to begin the graduation ceremony. The flurry of familiar faces blinded me to the single fact that flailed its arms frantically to try to gain my attention. Only when I had received my high school diploma, turned around, and beheld the football field did I recognize that this was the last time I would see most of these people, either for life or at least until the ten-year reunion. How many times had I rehearsed my excitement in my head? Yet there I was, stricken by the revelation that had failed to beat down the doors of my enthusiasm for all of senior year. It was really over.
